In Antarctica, only Norwegian researchers can hear you scream. There’s trouble at a Nordic research base when a recently excavated frozen alien creature – the Thing! – amazingly breaks free from its prison of ice after thousands of years to run amok. Many characters die while the Thing squeals and lashes around with its many soupy tentacles. Matthijs van Heijningen’s remake-prequel of/to John Carpenter’s 1982 horror classic The Thing, also called The Thing, is an unimaginative mess. Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Joel Edgerton star as Ripley-ain’t-gonna-be and Identityless Macho Pilot in a story that refers to its forerunner only cosmetically, without honouring Carpenter’s commitment to paranoia.
Carpenter’s film had the tag line “Man is the warmest place to hide”, and demonstrated that the creature can imitate humans (leading to a classic scene where Kurt Russell’s heroic Macready tests his colleagues’ humanity). The new film pretends to be interested in the same possibilities but pays it no respect. Instead, Van Heijningen is content to have his characters run around their snowy base camp with flame throwers while the titular thing – a terrible looking entity resembling an explosion at the pasta factory – culls the cast. The film’s main problem is its exposition heavy screenplay, which goes so far as to include an entire scene solely dedicated to telling the viewer that there are grenades in the base, thereby foreshadowing the use of said grenades in a later scene. The Thing is a less-than-pedestrian effort and contender for one of 2012’s worst films.
Carpenter’s film had the tag line “Man is the warmest place to hide”, and demonstrated that the creature can imitate humans (leading to a classic scene where Kurt Russell’s heroic Macready tests his colleagues’ humanity). The new film pretends to be interested in the same possibilities but pays it no respect. Instead, Van Heijningen is content to have his characters run around their snowy base camp with flame throwers while the titular thing – a terrible looking entity resembling an explosion at the pasta factory – culls the cast. The film’s main problem is its exposition heavy screenplay, which goes so far as to include an entire scene solely dedicated to telling the viewer that there are grenades in the base, thereby foreshadowing the use of said grenades in a later scene. The Thing is a less-than-pedestrian effort and contender for one of 2012’s worst films.
Speaking of remakes, Don’t be Afraid of the Dark, directed by Troy Nixey and co-written by Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth, The Devil’s Backbone), is itself a remake of the similarly titled 1970s horror that apparently inspired Del Toro to specialise in the genre. What a pity, then, that this is the weakest film Del Toro’s to be associated with. After a suitably tense opening scene, the film settles into a strangely slow pace as experienced genre aficionados tick off cliché after cliché, including but not limited to Careless Father (Guy Pearce, in a terrible performance). Pearce’s character is restoring Blackwood Manor to its former glory together with his girlfriend Kim (Katie Holmes). When his young daughter Sally (Bailee Madison) comes to live with them, she encounters an ancient evil (I guess) intent on destroying the family in some way or another.
There are some moderately suspenseful scenes but Nixey is too eager to show off his CGI critters to sustain the suspense. He never develops the story to its full potential: when the film’s slightly unpredictable climax arrives, it’s a scene that in a better film would signal the third act of the film, not an abrupt ending. Have I told you about the vastly superior scary movie The Orphanage?
There are some moderately suspenseful scenes but Nixey is too eager to show off his CGI critters to sustain the suspense. He never develops the story to its full potential: when the film’s slightly unpredictable climax arrives, it’s a scene that in a better film would signal the third act of the film, not an abrupt ending. Have I told you about the vastly superior scary movie The Orphanage?
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